I’ve started to recap the World Domination Summit by writing short excerpts of each guest speaker, with take-home points for people who could not attend. My goal was to write a recap that would help people feel included, not excluded–I truly believe nobody ever has to be at ANY event to get something of value from concepts presented, which reverberate across the internet and more often than not have a positive ripple effect which touches many more people than just the attendees.

There’s definitely something magical about being at an event–soaking in the good vibes, being surrounded by amazing people, experiencing the same thing at the same time. The crowd is electric, energizing. And at the same time, I feel that I can’t honestly recap the WDS without at least touching on the shadow side of the event for me.

Chris Guillebeau did an amazing job of bringing together wonderful, inspiring speakers. And because he is such a genuinely cool person himself, his tribe is the same way–enthusiastic, creative people with great energy and big dreams. Chris himself mentioned many times during the event, as he does on his book tour, that one of the biggest benefits of bringing people together is that they (we) can learn from one another.

It’s a great point, but not one that many people (myself included) always take to heart. This creates a weird imbalance in the power dynamic of any big event. Specifically, it means that certain people (speakers, workshop presenters, etc.) are surrounded by people who want to talk to them. That’s understandable. Who wouldn’t want to meet people who are rock stars? I myself was all about it. Many of them are people whose blogs I’ve read for years, or I’ve bought their products or participated in their online communities or courses. Or we’ve communicated via e-mail and I’m totally jazzed about meeting them in person. I lined up for my photos with many high-profile people, just like many others did, which of course I don’t regret.

The imbalance it creates is with the rest of us. I found myself talking to many people who I felt somewhat of a connection with, until they’d literally step away mid-sentence when their favorite internet guru walked by. I’m a huge extrovert and definitely energized by interactions with others, but talking to people who I find out seconds later were just killing time while waiting to talk to someone else–that’s exhausting.

As someone with a background in sociology and philosophy, I am constantly analyzing/deconstructing various social interactions, and I found myself wondering if I’d done the same thing to others. Did I inadvertently ignore a new friend so that I could spend a few moments talking to [insert name of internet celebrity here]? And I found that I had done that on more than one occasion. What made me think what Internet Celebrity X had to say was more valuable than New Friend X? We all have our areas of expertise and our own experiences to draw from. Any time I’ve ever taught a class or given a presentation myself, I’ve felt that I learned more from the students or participants than they could ever learn from me. Aside from familiarity (as I was just as enamored with lower-profile peeps who I’ve “met” online), was there anything that drew me away from new friends and towards other people?

Part of it was that I felt a lot of conversation with strangers was stilted, rehashed. One conversation I’d had multiple times over the course of the event was when someone would ask me what I did for a living, and I’d tell them I was a writer. They’d instantly ask me about the size of my mailing list (it’s small) and then tell me I should spend more time on twitter to build up my social media presence. This oft-repeated (rehashed) advice hasn’t worked for me–I’ve analyzed my traffic AND my most energizing interactions and very few are Twitter-related. In fact, I’ve had much more luck with Facebook, unpopular with certain groups of people as it is. Anyone doing an actual consult would want to look at some data first, but strangers often don’t. Another example is when people who are unfamiliar with my business model would tell me that what I really need to do is create information products (which I’ve tried multiple times and has never, ever worked for various reasons).

Unsolicited advice is exhausting.Trying to explain to strangers why you don’t want to follow their unsolicited advice is even more exhausting. (And I can say with a straight face that if one of my favorite internet celebrity rock star people told me to spend more time on twitter or that I should write e-books instead of selling articles to editors (which I’ve been doing successfully), I’d explain to them why that doesn’t work for me as well. I’d like to think that anyone doling out advice for a living would have some level of discernment to discuss the nuances, rather than shooting disapproving glances my way or resorting to some kind of argument from authority (e.g. “Seth Godin says you should use permission marketing; I’d look into that.”) And yet I noticed that time and again–judgement from strangers; rehashed (and unsolicited) suggestions. There is a brilliant diversity of tactics one can use for any given business (or situation). And not all of them are always well-represented by one’s favorite group of internet celebs. In essence, what works for you or for them might not work for me–and vice versa. This is not a one-size-fits-all world.

I’ve never been a very high-profile person, doing most of my work from a small home office or behind a computer screen. So I can’t exactly speak for anyone else. But I imagine that it must get exhausting to have more than a few people who are seeking your attention so that you can make decisions for them–especially when these people have WAY more knowledge than you do, and when you’ve put time and effort into trying to inspire them to step into their own power. There have been several times when I’ve asked people I look up to some questions and realized afterwards that I’d already known the answer. So why did I ask? It could be to seek confirmation of what I already know to be true. Or, perhaps more likely, something about the setting makes these interactions more common. As much as we like to think we are nonconformists or are unconventional, simply giving someone a podium (due in no small part to their own brilliance and accomplishments) creates a social dynamic that can easily become inequitable, and it’s hard sometimes to distinguish between seeking someone out for their expertise or for their seemingly infallible wisdom.

Does that make sense? Here’s an example from my own life. One of my favorite people of all time, who I’ve paid for business coaching, recommended I use an electronic calendar rather than a paper calendar. Various books have said the same thing. But when I tried it, I hated it. Did I continue to try using a system that wasn’t working for me? No. I went back to the paper calendar.

I know there’s a gap between their experience of experts and my experience–and that any expert worth their salt is still learning. I also know that I’m on a journey, an ongoing process. Subscribing to a course, reading a book, following a blog, getting coaching, following suggestions from those I’ve sought out for guidance–those things alone will not get me to where I’m going. Constant trial and error, probably over many years, will help me discover my path for myself. I can’t count on both hands the amount of information products I’ve purchased and worked through that didn’t get me any closer to building my business. This isn’t to say there’s anything wrong with the products, per se, or that I don’t love the people I’ve bought things from. It’s saying there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution, and that I can trust my own experience and thought process rather than blindly following the advice of others (no matter how successful these people may be.)

The Buddha is quoted in some places as saying, “Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

I am not a Buddhist. But this idea really speaks to me. I’d like to be able to speak to strangers at conferences about areas where we disagree with the common wisdom; where we’re truly in dialogue.

I am a Shimer College alum. At this amazing Great Books school, we worked on “education for active citizenship in the world,” using small, seminar-style classes (Socratic method) in a process that the mission statement describes as “more than the acquisition of factual knowledge or the mastery of vocational skills,” but rather “the process leading away from passivity, beyond either unquestioning acceptance of authority or its automatic mistrust, and towards informed, responsible action.”

My version of informed, responsible action sometimes completely breaks the rules, sometimes flies in the face of common wisdom. Sometimes it is surprisingly traditional. It is a scientific approach–with plenty of trial and error. And a big part of it is sitting with myself and recognizing my own inherent wisdom. Someone may be very high profile. They may have accomplished many great things. They might give the greatest speech I’ve ever heard. They may have even blown goals similar to mine out of the water. I respect their hard work and experience. And at the same time, I don’t feel the need to follow their every example. If I line up to speak to them, it’s not because I think they are better than any other person I come in contact with. And I certainly don’t think they’re better than me. They are simply further along on a path–a path which may or may not look like the journey on which I myself wish to embark.

One of the hardest parts about the World Domination Summit for me was when one of my internet celebrities completely blew me off. There could be a million reasons for this and most of them have nothing to do with me. But, as they say, the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall. Luckily, I was staying with a dear friend in Portland so when I had a near-meltdown (“I am really sad. And I’m really annoyed at myself for being so sad. Why I am reacting so strongly about something which is probably so trivial to everyone else?”), she was there to help me pick up the pieces.

I titled this post “The Shadow Side of the WDS: Starf*cking”–and that’s exactly what it boils down to. We all lose when we give our power away to others, no matter how bright and shiny they may be. In a crowd, it’s easy to get caught up in groupthink. It’s easy to idealize others just a touch too much, to seek their approval and opinion when neither is necessary.

The take home message for me? No matter how amazing someone appears, they’re not better than me. They may be better at certain things, but even that is hard to determine. And there’s areas where I may have more knowledge and they could use my expertise, whether they realize it or not. If we base my self-worth on what others think, even for a second, we all lose. Let’s find ways to interact that make us bigger, not smaller. Let’s keep stoking the fire of our own dreams rather than trying to fit into a mold created by others. And let’s look, really look, at our internet heroes–with all of their strengths and weaknesses, complexities and contradictions. Let’s see them for who they really are–people.